My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
