How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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