Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
