my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
