Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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