OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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