My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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