uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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