well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
