i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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