Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
