My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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