She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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