I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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