Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
