I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
