i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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