I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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