I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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