I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
