I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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