Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
barbara walters just said penis...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
