tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
