Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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