Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
