listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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