I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
