What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
