i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
