No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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