my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
