My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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