shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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