just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
