My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
