The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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