Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
