Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
