Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
