I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
