News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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