i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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