I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
