Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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