if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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