saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
