and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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