the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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