im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
