You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
