Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
