he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
