I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So many bounce houses so little time
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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