lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
