I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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