At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
