i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
