Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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