Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
