Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
